Tag Archives: OCD

Holy Life Changes, Batman!

Nothing, I repeat, nothing goes according to plan. No matter how much you prepare.  I started this blog to journal my road to ironman. I wanted to be able to look back when times were tough, when I was asking “why did I sign up for this” and remind myself why I started. If someone was helped or encouraged along the way, well that would just be lagniappe. And there is was…..CURVE BALL!!! I turn 38 in two days and you would think by now I would be used to those damn things lol.  I have struggled with my weight my entire adult life. Well, I wouldn’t say struggled all that time because for my entire 20’s I just didn’t care and this 4’11 frame ballooned to 250 pounds.  Sit on that a moment. 4’11…..250 lbs.  I looked like a perfect square. I was as wide as I was tall.

It wasn’t until I entered by 30’s that I decided to take control of my health and fell into triathlon thru the Rocketchix series.  I lost 70 pounds by changing my eating habits and exercise but I could never break 176 pounds. I would sign up longer races thinking more training would finally do it and I would finally reach a healthy weight. Only to still sit at 176 and only to watch my weight creep back up as soon as the race was over. I knew this wasn’t my problem. I knew more training and even and Ironman wasn’t going to “fix” whatever was going on. I just didn’t how to ask for help.  When you hear about eating disorders, you typically think about underweight girls who go to extremes to be perfect.  You don’t think of overweight people. I certainly didn’t.  Most overweight people hear “you just need more self-control”, “you just need more will power”, “you just have to want it” “maybe deep down you like being over weight”, “you’re just weak”.  These are things that not only had been said to me but thoughts that I repeated to myself CONSTANTLY. And I would try and try to control what I would eat only to binge when no one was looking.  I couldn’t understand how people sit a restaurant and actually have a conversation. I never could. I would nod my head and act like I knew what was going on but in realty my brain was OBSESSED with the food on the table. It’s like an argument in my brain between two 9 year olds. Only, you can’t yell at them to shut the hell up! Well, you could but then you look like nut job.  This was me. All day.  Every day.  No quiet from the arguing. No quiet from mental beat down.  The only way to get peace and quiet was to eat and the damn cycle starts again.

I finally told a few friends about the extent of the “arguing”.  And with some encouragement and guidance, I was diagnoses with an OCD/eating disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Eating.  My particular flavor sits more on the OCD spectrum than the eating disorder spectrum. And I have never been so happy to be screwed up in all my life!!!! I finally have some answers as to WHY my brain operates the way it does and the answers are not that I just SUCK! So I go to therapy and take my meds and I start this new journey to a healthier Pixie and we’ll just see where this road takes me.  It may lead to an Ironman, it may not.  I’m just gonna sit back and wait for more curve balls.

Batter up bitches!

 

Advertisements